I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
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He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
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He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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