I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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