I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
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I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
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Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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