if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm at about main and main street
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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