If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
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It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
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Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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