Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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