how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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