Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
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The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
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Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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