god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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