i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It's blow job season.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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