Your dad touched me again.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
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she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
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I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
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