i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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