I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
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it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
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Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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