allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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