I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
should my penis look like a turkey
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
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I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
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I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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