I looked at my own cervix.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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