if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize