I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
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