How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
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There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
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He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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