FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
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Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
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my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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