On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize