Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
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I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
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I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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