Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
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Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
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So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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