If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize