just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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