Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
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I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
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if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize