i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
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In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
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I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
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