I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
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I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
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Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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