all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
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literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
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in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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