It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
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I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
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I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
A bitchslap is in order.
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