Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
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Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
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I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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