I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
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Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
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My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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