My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have feelings that need drinking.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize