She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
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Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
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The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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