there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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