It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
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Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
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I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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