My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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