you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize