dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
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His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
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I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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