sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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