I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
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I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
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why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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