remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
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I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
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I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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