Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
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Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
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The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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