I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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