I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
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Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
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Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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