my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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