...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
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me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
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