when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
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Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
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I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I smell like Dick and happiness
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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