I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
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i dont even know how to be here
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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