I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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